blah.. okay.. wow. idk like what to do or say or even what to think. i guess depression kicks in huh? whats the point of it all? i feel like everyone is leaving me or at least avoiding me. i dont even know if i should call kim my best friend n e more. its like.. it just seems to me like everyone else is so much more important. im not friggen looking for sympathy and this isnt a 'everything is about me'. but lately NO ONE WANTS TO FUCKING BE AROUND ME. n i rly dont know what to think of it. ive been getting really depressed lately. reading everyones lj and shit and listening to them talk about how much fun they had and all that crap. i remember wen i used to be involved with all that. its like everyone loved me and now they have all seemed to move on to better people. idk whats wrong with me. idk why i call my best friend up n wana hang out with her and shes always gota b doing suttin else. i remember wen ppl used to acutally WANT to do stuff with me. wen kim and i used to be together EVERY FRIGGEN DAY. i guess things really do change. *sigh* im letting myself slip into this deep depression and im hating it all. im hating everything. its like everyone is running away. ive sat and cryed with aaron MULTIPLE times bc i feel like im losing everone who acutally MEANS something to me. its not all about everyone always hanging out together. its about no one ever wanting to be with me. like how kim would come over jsut to hang out and watch tv. now id fall over n have a heart attack if she ever agreed to sleeping over. i mean and its like, i try to talk to ppl n i get a 'hi' 'whats up' and thats about it. i am so sick and tired of losing people in my life. and for ONCE.. ONCE aaron is the only person i rly think that i have. hes the only one. hes the only one THERE right now. total shocker huh? yes, aaron is there. after everyone telling me how he treats me like crap, hes the one there now. wen everyone else is gone. god, why am i writing this? ppl are just guna end up leaving comments and pulling the 'i never did that/never said that, i love u, i still wana b ur friend'. well guess what? im SICK OF IT. i remember wen i used to get the phone calls from my FRIENDS and they would acutally ASK if i wanted to hang out. now i have to call ppl n ask n i very rarely ever get a 'yeah sure d lets chill tomorow'. i mean its like.. god i dont friggen know. idk why im writing this. idk N E THING at all. all i know is that i FUCKING HATE BEING LIKE THIS. i hate getting into these modes. i have feeling so ALL ALONE. and for some odd reason it seems that ppl decided i wasnt cool enough after they found out my current medical status..perhaps its all just a coincidence. but i rly dont know what to make of it right now. why is it that wen i need ppl the MOST in my life they all run away. kim barely ever talks to me n e more,. shes always with ben or lauri or kelly. or tom. i totally understand. but what ever happend to 'u are my best friend d'. i mean i fuckign do my BEST to keep everyone happy. i rly do friggen try. i know all of u dotn see that at all. but i fucking do. i give it all and i get shit in return. people arent even up to date on my life n e more, probably bc no one cares .everything seemed to click into ppl's head and they probably just realized what i piece of shti i am. i KNOW ppl have said shit behing my back lately. why? what the FUCK did i do wrong? where did i GO wrong? i mean its like... im letting myself get SO upset over all of this, and i rly dont know why i should give two shits. i shouldnt have to run after people, i let it go and i realized that if ppl wanted to b around me n then they would ask. but of course not. not even the people who used to b my best friends. and of coruse, where does this leave me? right where i am now. in a friggen hell hole of life. dealign withe verything. so many things that i should HAVE to deal with. i shouldnt HAVE to b sick. i shoulndt have to make so many choices about my life right now. please tell me wut the fuck the point is of going for 6 years of college and becoming what i have ALWAYS wanted to be.. wen im guna die 2 years later. i fucking sat and BALLED my eyes out to aaron. i was histerical. and why? bc for a long tiem i thought i actually had ppl that i could KEEP in my life. not someone who just runs away and comes back to me wen they feel like it. all of a sudden its like 'okay dianna doesnt exist n e more'. i UNDERSTAND ppl dont like me. i could give two shits. im not about to change at this point just to make other people happy. i dont REMEMBER the last time i hung out with kim. besides the birthday party. and barely even at that. i mean its like. now al of this is coming out. bc i dont have the ppl that i normally run to n e more. i remember wen KIM used to come to me about everything. but now i guess other ppl give better adivice, how fuckign HURT i was wen i found out that kim had done something she would NORMALLY tell me about. normally im the FIRST TO KNOW with her. but where is all of that now? i hate being the one out of the loop. it fucking KILLS me sitting at the lunch table and listening to kim kelly n ben talk about how orgasmic their day was and how i wasnt there. with my friends. to enjoy it. its like 'hey, u werent there to have sooo much fun with us, but lets tell u al about it n e way and make u feel like a complete ass'. things change, people changed. i friggen KNOW i should b used to that by now but im still shocked by all of this. and i fucking hate it most wen ppl say 'always b there'. id fucking drop EVERYTHING to be there for someone ir ly cared about. but wen i need ppl NOW In my life, where are they? out smiling and laughing and having fun. this isnt a friggen 'oh poor me i have no one to hang out with'. its been thsi way for a LONG time now. and i just dont fucking understand it. i really friggen dont. i wish that i could, but i cant. i dont see why no matter WHAT i do i get betrayed, or stabbed in the back, or ppl turn around and just.. leave. id never fucking do that. but im tired of trying so i guess i do just have to get up and leave and walk away and pretend its okay. like i have been doing. so fucking much for going 8 months without cuttin huh? fuck this world and everything that its made of. i am so tired of this.all of it. id fuckign take a bullet for most of u.. but where are u all wen someone shoots at me? ya this entry definetly sounds like a 'poor me' entry. so to top off EVERYTHING i can succesfully say that im losing everything in my lfe, the only stable person i have is actually aaron. he sat ther and CRYED and said 'i dotn want to watch my gf die' the most MEANINGFUL thing he has EVER said to me. funny how its him saying it to me. funny now all i want in life it to friggen be happy. and lately im just not. u al lknow i never write entries like this.. but YES i am so fucking DEPRESSED that i CANT TAKE IT N E MORE> n idk what to do with it all. i fucking talk to aaron about how al of my friends just.. idk. i really dont know what everyone thinks. or why it seems like no one wants to be a part of my life n e more. i really cant answer that question. and im such a friggen bitch.. i complain.. i do this i do that. yes ive heard it all before. . so wow. not that i ahve got all of that out i dont rly feel much better at all. which is odd. so im guna go now. if u have a problem with my entry FUCK U. i said what i feel and my thoughts on things. thats wat my journal is for. i dotn wana hear the whole 'no one is abondoning u d' shit. bc wen no one wnats to be around me, i take that as in implication of SOEMTHING. wen my BEST FRIEND doesnt even call me to say hi n e more. i guess its just time to worry about me now. not abotu what everyone else thinks and such. its my fuckign life and im guna try to make the best out of it. i have aaron. i have myself. no more no less. but thank u all of caring so much and making me feel like im on top of the world! u guys are just so great.
fuck u all. have a nice life.